*WARNING: Content in
the following blog post maybe be heavy and uneasy to read for some*
Why is it that people feel the need
to share secrets? Why is it that they feel the needs to keep secrets in the
first place? Maybe people keep secrets because they are ashamed, they are
embarrassed, or for fear of being judged. Personally, I think the reason is
often a combination of all three.
I have a secret that I have been
keeping for the past year and six months. In fact, it’s my deepest darkest
secret. While I’ve attempted to tell some, the awkwardness it’s posed on those
individuals had me feel the reason to shut it away altogether. But now, after
starting to come to terms with it myself, I feel even more awkward holding it
in. So here it is:
On
Monday, August 5, 2013, I was interning at the Little Beaver Youth Camp in
Wasilla, Alaska. This particular day began as nothing extraordinary. I ran my
usual routine serving in the kitchen, cleaning up camp, and preparing for later
meals for campers. Between meals, I had a habit for going on short hikes by
myself.
On August 5th, I went
out on my usual hike and decided to follow the road that would ultimately lead
me to Maranatha Camp had I walked far enough. As I walked and enjoyed the
summer afternoon, a small pickup truck suddenly sped by on the wrong side of
the road, sideswiping me and knocking me to the ground. As I staggered to my
feet-my hands and knees freshly scraped, my shoulder throbbing and sore- the
truck skidded to a stop and a man jumped out and ran to me. He promptly
apologized, inquiring of my injuries, but I said I was okay and began to limp
back towards camp. The man offered me a ride home since I was hurt, but I
politely refused and kept walking. Long story short, he grabbed me and began
trying to force me into his truck. It only took me a split second to realize
that I was being kidnapped when I remembered that this method of abduction was
actually fairly common in the Anchorage and surrounding areas. I screamed and
fought and struggled to get away. It wasn’t until I pulled my knife on the man
and held it to his throat that he released me, sped off, and was never seen
again.
This incident has haunted me ever
since. While at first, I morbidly joked about it to myself and tried to mention
it to a few, I found my ultimate reaction to the trauma delayed. I never
reported the man because by the time I opened up about it, a few days had
already passed, and besides, everything happened so quickly that there’s no way
I could describe the man in detail to anyone.
I returned to Missouri at the end
of the summer falsely believing that I was also leaving the incident behind,
never again having to face it. I was sorely mistaken. Shortly after my return,
I found it harder than ever to sleep at night. I was restless and began
dreaming uncomfortable things, but not quite nightmarish. I thought at first
that this was attributed by recently acquired health issues. I took the matter
to a counselor. After describing the situation to her, and later another
counselor, I received the same answer from both: “Well, you seem fine now.”
This answer became simply another reason to keep the secret withdrawn. Later
on, I approached another counselor. Her response wasn’t as dismissive, but
still unhelpful, “Yeah, I can see why you can’t sleep.” No suggested solutions
entailed. That was it so I left even more discouraged than before.
As time continued, my uncomfortable
dreams became nightmare, which became night terrors, which became day terrors (same as daydreaming, only
horrifying.) Though I can honestly truly say that I have a wonderful life, I
can also say that once the trauma began to affect my waking hours, life became
border-line hell. I began having dreams about and flashbacks of childhood
abuse, my occupation at the time with a behavioral health facility where I was
required to physically escort and restrain aggressive clients became
traumatizing for myself, and even some movies that would otherwise seem
harmless became disturbing (most recently Alice
in Wonderland)
Psychophysiological Insomnia is not
for crazy people, nor is PTSD only for soldiers who’ve fought I battle (do NOT mistake my statement for
insensitivity towards their own cases.) Though
I am currently receiving assistance from a new counselor and persistently seek
God for His help, this doesn’t mean that the problem is immediately solved. On
a day to day basis, I have to remind myself that the world isn’t out to get me
in order to counteract certain paranoias. Constantly in a state of
hypervigilance,
·
I
hate going to the bathroom with the door closed
·
I
hate hallways lit or unlit.
·
I
always have easy access to a weapon which I always have on my person: knife,
kubaton, mace, keys, and rape whistle.
·
I
either jump at sudden loud noises, or uncharacteristically fail to react at
all.
·
I
desire friendship, but now find the thought of making friends unappealing (it’s
nothing personal.)
·
I
sleep with a nightlight.
·
I
find bedtime terrifying, causing myself to take an hour+ to fall asleep.
·
I
have vivid, chronic night terrors. Sometimes they wake me, sometimes they don’t
(sometimes resulting in sleep paralysis)
·
I
have mental breakdowns which caused my muscles to seize and cramp, making the
meltdowns 10x worse.
·
I
desire alone time to chill out, but often panic when I’m alone.
·
It’s
more difficult to handle large crowds for extended time periods including
school, church, family gatherings, parties, Walmart, etc…
I supposed I have chosen to
publically reveal my secret because I am getting it off my chest in order that
I may be held accountable for my journey in healing and am asking for support.
By support, I don’t mean that you have to hold my hand 24/7 or even understand
my situation. I honestly just want to know that you’re there. Also understand
that “being there” doesn’t require you to physically be with me all the time. I
know everyone has their own lives to tend to. I just want to know I have your
support as I try to get used to a new lifestyle change.
How
to help:
Please
DO: Please
DON’T
1.
Be respectful. 1.
Pity me
2.
Acknowledge the depth of the
struggle. 2. Fear or
avoid me
3.
Encourage 3. Judge me
4.
Try to imagine yourself in the
predicament. 4. Assume you understand
5.
Accept that you’ll never fully
understand 5. Say things like:
6.
Offer to explore resources
together. “Aren’t
you over it yet?”
7.
PRAY for me “You
are crazy./”You’re just paranoid”
8.
Listen to me “It’s
all in your head.”
9.
Love me “Just
be stronger.”
10.
Realize that every day for me is a
victory “At least he
didn’t hurt/rape/kill you.”
“I had that but I got over it.”
“Chill out!”
“Pull yourself together.”
“It’s in the past now.”
“Forgive and forget.”
“Move on.”
For more information on ptsd, visit
HeartsMovingMountains.com
